LEARNING GUIDE
Consent that works for you.
Consent is a freely made, specific, ongoing agreement. The way you communicate it can be personal; the need for a clear choice stays the same.
IN THIS GUIDE
A choice, every time
Agreeing to one activity does not mean agreeing to another. A relationship, a previous experience, or a conversation about something you might like does not establish consent now. You can say no, pause, or change your mind after things have started. A partner’s disappointment does not make you responsible for continuing.
Ask a question that leaves room for an answer
Try “Would you like to kiss?”, “Would you like me to keep doing this?”, or “Do you want to continue, change something, or stop?” Ask about the particular activity rather than looking for one blanket yes. Listen without bargaining. If the answer is uncertain, stop and clarify. Silence and a lack of resistance are not agreement.
Consent without speech
Speech is one way to communicate. A person may use signs, writing, eye movements, switches, or an AAC device. Ask how that person communicates yes, no, pause, and stop, and how they want you to check an unclear response. Agree on signals before sexual activity, give time to answer, and keep communication equipment in reach. A familiar gesture can mean different things to different people.
Physical responses are not a substitute for consent
An erection, lubrication, or an orgasm can happen without a person wanting or agreeing to sexual activity. Treat the person’s communicated choice as the guide. Do not use a bodily response to argue against a no, a stop, or uncertainty.
Make stopping easy
Beforehand, ask “If you want to pause, what would help me notice straight away?” During intimacy, check that communication still works. If someone becomes unresponsive, seems distressed, or their signals are unclear, stop. A person who is asleep or unconscious cannot consent. If you are unsure whether someone can understand and freely choose what is happening, do not proceed.
Make space for an honest no
A useful agreement might be: “We can both stop without having to justify it. If either of us asks for a break, we’ll take one.” You can practise this in everyday moments too: asking before helping, respecting privacy, and accepting a change of plan. A no that is respected makes it easier to trust that a yes is a choice.
Take it with you
Before intimacy, agree how each of you will communicate yes, no, pause, and stop. Check in again when the activity or circumstances change.
Sources & further reading
Keep exploring
Relationships
You don’t need the perfect words.
An honest conversation can start small. You don’t need a speech, a script, or all the answers.
Read the articleConsent
Consent doesn’t have to be spoken.
The important question is whether someone can communicate a clear choice, not whether that choice arrives as speech.
Read the articleConsent
A no is part of a good conversation.
How you respond to a boundary matters. A partner should be able to decline without managing pressure, persuasion, or punishment.
Read the article